


Lucius Buys

by willow_larkspur



Series: Gwen's Competition Fics [72]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Lucius Malfoy & his Peacock, Penis jokes, Sexual Humor, Shakespearean Level Penis Jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2019-09-30
Packaged: 2020-11-07 23:36:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20825684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/willow_larkspur/pseuds/willow_larkspur
Summary: Lucius buys a very serious bird.





	Lucius Buys

**Author's Note:**

> Legal Disclaimer: I own my stuff, but not the original source material. That belongs to whoever. Also, the opinions and interpretations I use here may not reflect the same in said whoever that owns the source material. Look, I’m just a poor college librarian. Suing me isn’t going to get you anything but tears.  
Warning: This work may be offensive to some readers. Feel free to back out if that’s you.  
Author’s Note: In which Gwen makes the same penis joke several times, because they are secretly seven.

(^^)  
**Lucius Buys**  
(^^)

"I just have one question," Throckmorton asked his brother upon seeing his newest purchase. Lucius sighed heavily as if put upon by the very idea of having his acquisition questioned. Throckmorton rubbed his hands together for a moment, trying to figure out how to phrase the inquiry to reduce the likelihood of getting hexed for it. "How much of the family fault did you use to get you this very, very serious bird?"

"You do not need to concern yourself with such things. I know exactly what I'm doing." As if to punctuation that statement, the pure white bird chose that moment to scream.

"Well, I do have a reason for my question." Throckmorton got a raised eyebrow in return. "See, I find it very concerning that my big brother, you know, the _responsible one_, would spend anything on something so common."

"It is not common," Lucius said loftily, petting the peacock on his lap leisurely. "It is a majestic beast of superior elegance and style."

"Oh, I'm sure you tell that to all the witches," Throckmorton quipped, "but tell me truly, because inquiring minds demand to know: how much did you spend on the cock on your lap?"

"There is no need to be vulgar!"

"Lucius..." It was Throckmorton's turn to sigh gustily. "What kind of bird is that?"

"I see what you're trying to do, and it won't work."

"What kind of bird is it, Lucius?"

"It's a peacock," Lucius answered through clenched teeth.

"And where is it sitting?"

"I do not approve of this line of questioning."

"Where is it sitting?"

"On my lap."

"So you do have a cock sitting on your lap," Throckmorton announced triumphantly. He grinned. "Now tell me how much you spent on it, Lucy."

"I abhor that name, _Morton_."

"I bet it was a lot. Did you spend a lot of money on that cock?"

"Would you _please_ stop calling it that?"

"Was it all for that one cock?"

"No, I bought several."

"You bought several cocks?" Throckmorton asked as if scandalized. He was already leaving the room by the time Lucius got his wand out.

**Author's Note:**

> Submitting Info:  
Stacked with: Hogwarts (Term 11); MC4A  
Individual Challenges: Slytherin MC (x2); Yellow Ribbon; Yellow Ribbon Redux; In a Flash  
House: Hufflepuff  
Assignment No.: Term 11 – Assignment 03  
Subject (Task No.): n/a  
Other Hogwarts Challenges: Insane Prompt Challenge [] (); 365 [109] (Vulgar)   
Space Address (Prompt): n/a  
Representation(s): Malfoys  
Bonus Challenges: Muck & Slime; Head of Perseus  
Tertiary Bonus Challenges: n/a  
Word Count: 354


End file.
